We’re all “tired”, right? Life has us moving in one direction or another, multitasking and wearing multiple “hats” throughout the week. Being a mom of two young children, who don’t sleep too well, I was always tired..what mom isn’t tired (or dad, don’t worry, I’m not leaving you out guys!)?
I can’t even begin to describe to you how exhausted I am. Leading up to my diagnosis I was extremely tired – once I found out I had an actual reason to be tired, I gave in and started taking naps and sleeping without feeling guilty. It doesn’t matter how many hours of sleep I get (it’s not much, I’m up often throughout the night), how many cat naps I take, I’m beat. Some nights rolling over or changing positions takes everything, and some mornings I have to give myself a pep talk to get up and get moving. Today, as I sit here writing, I could cry (and have had a couple tears roll down my face) because I’m just that tired the last couple of days. Doing the most simple of things zaps me for a couple days, and I’ve been pushing myself lately. The most frustrating part is that most of the time, those things are sometimes just hanging out with friends, not running a marathon!
Today, I’m giving in to the tired, my bootie is in “my chair” with blankets on and my feet kicked up.
When was the last time you had a good night’s sleep? I have no flipping clue, I’m up multiple times throughout the night for one reason or another. As of late, it’s because my hot flashes are out of control. My body is trying to adjust from the hysterectomy, then throw in the chemotherapy and it is sweat city at night…one minute I’m freezing, the next I’m throwing covers off and stripping out of my clothing! Some nights it’s because my body aches in the most random places…a dull nagging ache that keeps me up – my right ankle is the location of choice that’s the worst. I miss sleeping through the night. I miss not having something ache or bother me. I miss sleeping on my stomach, I’m a stomach sleeper!! (My port gets in the way)
My stress reliever (okay, maybe I did it for the glasses of wine too) was walking and weights at the gym…and when I say walk, it’s more like a slow jog, but not jogging, 5-8 miles at a time. I FINALLY started walking again a week ago – they’ve encouraged me to walk to help with the joint pain and to keep me out of physical therapy. At first it was 15 minutes on a treadmill at a 3.5 incline (I used to alternate between a 3.5 and 11.5 incline throughout my walk if I was at the gym), today I made it 4 miles around my neighborhood, tunes cranked up! It was the best thing ever!! I’m trying. I’m trying to have a resemblance of what I used to know. I’m trying to not secumb to the exhaustion. I’m trying to get up and move for not only me, but my family. My next goal is adding in legs using just my body weight, not the extra weight or bar I would love to be able to use. It’s all baby steps in the right direction…when I get the go ahead, I’ll be ready to go. There are days I just can’t make it though, no matter how much I’d like to be able to…and that makes me want to scream.
These are all things that will eventually revert back to what I was once able to do. My hope, fingers crossed, is that the exhaustion fades away once treatment is completed – I know this won’t be instantaneous. And the sleepless nights, will once again become a good night’s rest – Olivia and Jaxson, you have 3-4 months to get into a good routine, teasing! But for me, right now, these are all reminders and things that sneak up and tap me on the shoulder as a reminder. Do I dwell on them? No, that’s not going to do anyone any good. Do I want to kick the rock on the pavement when I’m walking a little harder the next time I’m out because of them? Some days yes, yes I do! (A friend told me on Facebook this might help the other day – told her I was going to give it a whirl! You know who you are!)